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Letters to My Ex: The Storm

I’ve been wanting to write about my ex but don’t know where, how or even the direction I want to go in.  I’m also terrified of crying and regressing into my feelings with him.  Since I’m currently snowed in (yay for New England Snow Storms) and using my hotspot to post this. I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in over a week. My anxiety, depression, and hostility has gone down.  During my spring break, I was able to do a lot of journaling, self reflection, reading and reaching out to people in my life.  Now I am back in the environment with my ex, the place I met him and where most of my memories here are with him.

Here goes the letter to my ex…

Even though I am not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, it stinks.  We are friends and have normal conversations.  Right after getting here I realized I can’t hang with you because my emotions are still there and overwhelming.  On the other hand, you’re able to suppress your feelings for me.  Of course, you’re the hurt one, the one who broke it off so its easier to do so when you’re on that side.  On the other hand, I’m here with the “fake it till you make it mentality”.  So I smile, laugh, soak in the positives in my life even more so around you.  However, it still hurts just as bad.

I miss hanging out, laughing, eating, enjoying each other’s presence. We never had to talk to enjoy each other’s company.  We could easily be doing our own thing in the same room and that would be enough. I miss that.  I miss us, what we use to be.  I know there are somethings I did that made the situation worse because of the emotional stress I was in due to the breakup and I apologize. I wish you didn’t have to hold it against me.  I personally feel as though you are able to suppress your feelings because you hold anger towards me.  Even though I asked you about this yesterday and you denied it.  I believe deep down inside you do, maybe you just haven’t realized it.  You get annoyed easily with me over things I don’t understand why (like homework) or just telling me that if I ask those questions or act like a “therapist” after my own therapy sessions will you make you mad.   Your excuses are always the same, “I’m tired, I don’t feel well, I’m sick, etc.”

I just hope you understand, I am not acting like a therapist or trying to tell you how to fix things.  I am asking you the questions that haunt me about myself, the things I need to know so I can move on, the realization of how toxic you have been to me.

You see I have become fearful of you this past 3 weeks.  I’m scared of saying things that will trigger you, cause you to curse and talk to me in a mean tone that I do not appreciate.  I am scared of being able to be myself, show my true feelings towards you and I act how I want to act around you.  I understand we are friends and there needs to be a level of respect but suppressing my true self isn’t right. 

I did not realize how toxic you have become to me.  I told you how being in a competitive environment has caused me my stress and anger.  You said competitiveness is good, keeps the fuel going.  (In my defense, I think what I was doing was competition with him to keep my grades as high as his why, scared of people thinking I was the stupid one in the relationship).  I don’t need to compete or overachieve, I just do the best I can do because after this we are all Doctors of Optometry.  As long as I am good doctor that is what matters.  This added to my anxiety.

I told my therapist how I was able to realize true love during spring break.  My god daughter is my everything.  She loves to be around me and plays with me.  She hugs and kisses me just because she loves me.  She doesn’t judge me on how I am today, yesterday, tomorrow.  She doesn’t care if I tell her no you can’t do that or correct her.  When I try to help her she doesn’t try to undermine me.  She accepts and trusts me.  Even though this is a 10 month year old child, this is true love.  This is acceptance of someone loving you for who you are.  I am saying not saying you didn’t love me.  I am saying you didn’t accept me for who I was and that I needed help.  You didn’t want to come with me in the journey and me my support.  You don’t accept that there will be questions that arise about us maybe in a year maybe in a day because I am self-reflecting and you claim to be a friend.  You went crazy when I told you that it looks like you may have some anger issues that needs fixing as well and maybe we can try talking to a therapist about our issues even though we aren’t together maybe it would help us to be the friends you want us to be. 

Which brings me to the next subject our friendship.  I don’t understand your underlying reason why you want to say friends with me.  I don’t know if you just want someone to have around during school even though you say there is a low chance at the moment of us ever getting back together then why try to build a friendship?  I know we got along well together as friends but how long will this friendship last?  Will it last forever, until we find partners that will bother them that we are friends, or as soon as we go away on rotations/graduate we won’t be friends?  I am still up in the way air about if I should be your friend or not.  I’m leaning towards just letting things go with the flow but I am also thinking about distancing myself and see how I feel after.  And its not because I do not want to be friends if we aren’t working on getting together eventually, I just don’t get why you want to sting me along.

My therapist brought up a good point because I have been working on myself and I have done some personal growth within the past 3 weeks because I am determined.  You seem to have done none.  I just see how negative of a person you are and how its bad.  You say you need time and yes time heals all but you also need to start in order to allow time to kick in.  Personally, I do not think you have yet, you distract yourself with gaming and talking to other people.  I don’t want to argue you with you or ever be in a stressful situation with you because I currently feel much more mature than you in these types of situations now.  I feel like you would do anything to bring me down to your level.  But I shall resist.  I shall resist the urge to be brought down to your level.

I am doing me.  I hope you don’t try to come back later into my life, when I am over you, moved on, or happy  because I would be wiser later and realize how much of a dark hole you put me in.  And that is what I meant about that comment you got so mad about,—“don’t be mean to someone you want to call your friend later in life, they’ll remember.” 

With all my love,

Molly.

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What I Did Not Know Before

Hey everyone,

As an adult now creeping into her 30s and much more educated.  I learned how much I struggled with mental health as a teen.  I was never outwardly depressed, did bad in school, did drugs or cut herself.  But I harvested emotions within myself.

I lost my grandfather 8 days short of turning 14 years old.  He was the most special person to me in my life.  At his viewing when I first saw him…I started laughing. YES…laughing.  From  laughing it went to hyperventilating to crying.  I did it know it then but I had a possible anxiety attack and I think that was my first one.

I love my parents but in that year alone my siblings and myself went to 3 different funerals for family members. My brother was creeping on 7 years old to put things into perspective. I believe they should’ve gotten us help but you know cultural stigma. (Hopefully I’ll get into this in another post).  Later the same year due to family conflicts, we moved to Florida. So many life changes in less than a year.  I must say the move was the hardest for my sister, who cried everyday before school.

My parents later got divorced a couple years later and my mom got into a relationship right away.  She brought her boyfriend over all the time and shut us out once he came over. Now I am a 16 year old girl and until recently when I was talking to my aunt I did not realize that it really did shake me up.  I started wetting the bed as a teenager (embarrassing and not something I have ever discussed).  I also lost appetite for food (even ice cream), I lost at least 10lbs when as a teenager and I was already a small girl.  I graduated high school 5 foot 9 inches and about 110lbs (I fit into size double 0 jeans).  I was so under weight that my blood pressure was usually 80/40.

Looking back I think I had anxiety and depression due to the experiences I faced within a 4 year lifespan that was all life changing.   I didn’t have parents that knew how to get the proper help for their kids.

Now do not get me wrong, my parents are GREAT parents.  They provide for us even living on pay check to pay check.  We are college grads or going to college.  However, my mom especially, lacks in the talking to her kids with life issues.  I will never forget the day our uncle asked us if my mom sat us down to speak about the situation regarding my parents–we said no.

I realized it was bad parenting as a teenager, but did not know it impacted me until an adult.  I was angry with my mom and it was an everyday struggle to even get along with her until I went away for college.

With recent events… I realized I should’ve gotten help long ago.

Has anyone ever dealt with parents who were great but”failed at a topic”?

With Much Love,

Molly.

It’s a Doggy Dog World

I start to think back when my anger started happening in grad school.  I hated my classmates, the school and the only person I could trust was my then boyfriend (who was also my classmate).  I had no idea about others grades, I was in school for myself and becoming a doctor.  My then boyfriend at the time, I must say is one of the brightest people I know (later gets into the Honor Society) and I manage to keep a 3.0 GPA. Anyways, during final exam week of our first semester, my boyfriend and I were dating for about a month.  We both sat in front of the professor to take the exam (only seats left when we walked in).  We later get an email that week by the professor with a student, lets name her Veronica, complained of us cheating (we found out through the great gossip of girls).  I ignored this and didn’t pay mind to it, because we didn’t cheat.  Spring semester rolls around, so much drama with this professor who later gets let go.  New professor, a quiz comes up, the next day, BAM! Email to come into the dean’s office.  Same story, different semester.  Mind you, we sat in completely different areas for exams, to avoid any accusations.  Till this day we believe since there was new administration doing work, the person thought we could get kicked out.

I start to feel so much anger towards my class, because who would be so willing to want us to get kicked out of a program.  We didn’t talk to many people and stayed within our circle.  We had suspicion who we thought it was (ended up being close).  We spoke to a friend, lets call him Howard, about the situation if he had heard who it was (since we heard people were talking about it) and he said no.  This kid was mister “Class Rep”, nice to everyone, cared so much about the people, and considered us good friends.  My boyfriend ended up setting the administration straight and since then nothing has come up.

Now flash forward to summer semester.  We discovered who it was, through a phone call who happens to be someone who dropped out of the program.  I’ll call him Paul.  Paul told us it was Howard. Our faces were filled with anger but not surprised since Howard started to gravitate away from us.

How this relates to my situation today.  I never approached it.  Did not bother because it would just be denials. (Also due to a sticky situation ).  It hurt me inside, someone who called us a friend, who reached out to us for things, and pretended to be mister nice guy, who everyone liked.  He actually egged on the idea who we thought it was and bragged about it to his then roommates that we didn’t suspect him. The guys we suspected are his friends (how great of a person is he?).  It infuriated me even more.  I started to dislike the people he hung out with and can only imagine the false accusations he kept starting (or the crap he spoke about us).

I didn’t trust people in our class.  It bothered me the fact that someone tried to get me kicked out of a program that I worked so hard to earn.  I would cry and get depressed all the time.  My boyfriend would try to make me feel better (he is just one of those people, that doesn’t let others get to him).  He would say it was jealousy,  I saw it as someone who was trying to ruin my life.  I never had someone who I considered a friend or a classmate try to damage to me.  I was angry at the situation and angry I couldn’t do anything about it. This is a health field program, not a business or a law school where we were trying to earn spots in top firms.  We want to help others and work in a community–or so my past naive personality thought.  He ended up forming the “popular kids”–who I like to call the “You Can’t Sit With Us” group.

I learned competitiveness is an ugly trait.  I started to find trust in a few people in our class due to the fact they have showed nothing but respect and trust.  Thank God good people still exist in a world where people will run you over with pleasure.

With much love,

Molly.

 

Feels Like My Very First Time.

Hello everyone. I am restarting my love to write about my emotions, life and anything in between.  I’m a future doctor with so much ahead of me.  I forgot along the way to be grateful for what I had.  I lost myself to the stressful and competitive environment a medical program contains.  I recently discovered how bad my anger issues really were and the re-surfacing of my anxiety.  I lost a wonderful, now ex-boyfriend and best friend due to my lack of control.  I’m currently going to therapy for the first time and doing daily self-reflection. So why not share and be able to look back at your growth.

Expressing my emotions is tough sometimes due to my very conservative family and being an introvert. As a therapy session once taught me, I am terrible at expressing positive emotions and my negative emotions are like a shaken soda bottle when it’s opened.

Here I am, on the road to self-discovery ….

I hope you enjoy and please subscribe to get updates on my journey on learning to grow.

With Much Love,

Molly.