I’ve been wanting to write about my ex but don’t know where, how or even the direction I want to go in. I’m also terrified of crying and regressing into my feelings with him. Since I’m currently snowed in (yay for New England Snow Storms) and using my hotspot to post this. I went to therapy yesterday for the first time in over a week. My anxiety, depression, and hostility has gone down. During my spring break, I was able to do a lot of journaling, self reflection, reading and reaching out to people in my life. Now I am back in the environment with my ex, the place I met him and where most of my memories here are with him.
Here goes the letter to my ex…
Even though I am not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, it stinks. We are friends and have normal conversations. Right after getting here I realized I can’t hang with you because my emotions are still there and overwhelming. On the other hand, you’re able to suppress your feelings for me. Of course, you’re the hurt one, the one who broke it off so its easier to do so when you’re on that side. On the other hand, I’m here with the “fake it till you make it mentality”. So I smile, laugh, soak in the positives in my life even more so around you. However, it still hurts just as bad.
I miss hanging out, laughing, eating, enjoying each other’s presence. We never had to talk to enjoy each other’s company. We could easily be doing our own thing in the same room and that would be enough. I miss that. I miss us, what we use to be. I know there are somethings I did that made the situation worse because of the emotional stress I was in due to the breakup and I apologize. I wish you didn’t have to hold it against me. I personally feel as though you are able to suppress your feelings because you hold anger towards me. Even though I asked you about this yesterday and you denied it. I believe deep down inside you do, maybe you just haven’t realized it. You get annoyed easily with me over things I don’t understand why (like homework) or just telling me that if I ask those questions or act like a “therapist” after my own therapy sessions will you make you mad. Your excuses are always the same, “I’m tired, I don’t feel well, I’m sick, etc.”
I just hope you understand, I am not acting like a therapist or trying to tell you how to fix things. I am asking you the questions that haunt me about myself, the things I need to know so I can move on, the realization of how toxic you have been to me.
You see I have become fearful of you this past 3 weeks. I’m scared of saying things that will trigger you, cause you to curse and talk to me in a mean tone that I do not appreciate. I am scared of being able to be myself, show my true feelings towards you and I act how I want to act around you. I understand we are friends and there needs to be a level of respect but suppressing my true self isn’t right.
I did not realize how toxic you have become to me. I told you how being in a competitive environment has caused me my stress and anger. You said competitiveness is good, keeps the fuel going. (In my defense, I think what I was doing was competition with him to keep my grades as high as his why, scared of people thinking I was the stupid one in the relationship). I don’t need to compete or overachieve, I just do the best I can do because after this we are all Doctors of Optometry. As long as I am good doctor that is what matters. This added to my anxiety.
I told my therapist how I was able to realize true love during spring break. My god daughter is my everything. She loves to be around me and plays with me. She hugs and kisses me just because she loves me. She doesn’t judge me on how I am today, yesterday, tomorrow. She doesn’t care if I tell her no you can’t do that or correct her. When I try to help her she doesn’t try to undermine me. She accepts and trusts me. Even though this is a 10 month year old child, this is true love. This is acceptance of someone loving you for who you are. I am saying not saying you didn’t love me. I am saying you didn’t accept me for who I was and that I needed help. You didn’t want to come with me in the journey and me my support. You don’t accept that there will be questions that arise about us maybe in a year maybe in a day because I am self-reflecting and you claim to be a friend. You went crazy when I told you that it looks like you may have some anger issues that needs fixing as well and maybe we can try talking to a therapist about our issues even though we aren’t together maybe it would help us to be the friends you want us to be.
Which brings me to the next subject our friendship. I don’t understand your underlying reason why you want to say friends with me. I don’t know if you just want someone to have around during school even though you say there is a low chance at the moment of us ever getting back together then why try to build a friendship? I know we got along well together as friends but how long will this friendship last? Will it last forever, until we find partners that will bother them that we are friends, or as soon as we go away on rotations/graduate we won’t be friends? I am still up in the way air about if I should be your friend or not. I’m leaning towards just letting things go with the flow but I am also thinking about distancing myself and see how I feel after. And its not because I do not want to be friends if we aren’t working on getting together eventually, I just don’t get why you want to sting me along.
My therapist brought up a good point because I have been working on myself and I have done some personal growth within the past 3 weeks because I am determined. You seem to have done none. I just see how negative of a person you are and how its bad. You say you need time and yes time heals all but you also need to start in order to allow time to kick in. Personally, I do not think you have yet, you distract yourself with gaming and talking to other people. I don’t want to argue you with you or ever be in a stressful situation with you because I currently feel much more mature than you in these types of situations now. I feel like you would do anything to bring me down to your level. But I shall resist. I shall resist the urge to be brought down to your level.
I am doing me. I hope you don’t try to come back later into my life, when I am over you, moved on, or happy because I would be wiser later and realize how much of a dark hole you put me in. And that is what I meant about that comment you got so mad about,—“don’t be mean to someone you want to call your friend later in life, they’ll remember.”
With all my love,