What I Did Not Know Before

Hey everyone,

As an adult now creeping into her 30s and much more educated.  I learned how much I struggled with mental health as a teen.  I was never outwardly depressed, did bad in school, did drugs or cut herself.  But I harvested emotions within myself.

I lost my grandfather 8 days short of turning 14 years old.  He was the most special person to me in my life.  At his viewing when I first saw him…I started laughing. YES…laughing.  From  laughing it went to hyperventilating to crying.  I did it know it then but I had a possible anxiety attack and I think that was my first one.

I love my parents but in that year alone my siblings and myself went to 3 different funerals for family members. My brother was creeping on 7 years old to put things into perspective. I believe they should’ve gotten us help but you know cultural stigma. (Hopefully I’ll get into this in another post).  Later the same year due to family conflicts, we moved to Florida. So many life changes in less than a year.  I must say the move was the hardest for my sister, who cried everyday before school.

My parents later got divorced a couple years later and my mom got into a relationship right away.  She brought her boyfriend over all the time and shut us out once he came over. Now I am a 16 year old girl and until recently when I was talking to my aunt I did not realize that it really did shake me up.  I started wetting the bed as a teenager (embarrassing and not something I have ever discussed).  I also lost appetite for food (even ice cream), I lost at least 10lbs when as a teenager and I was already a small girl.  I graduated high school 5 foot 9 inches and about 110lbs (I fit into size double 0 jeans).  I was so under weight that my blood pressure was usually 80/40.

Looking back I think I had anxiety and depression due to the experiences I faced within a 4 year lifespan that was all life changing.   I didn’t have parents that knew how to get the proper help for their kids.

Now do not get me wrong, my parents are GREAT parents.  They provide for us even living on pay check to pay check.  We are college grads or going to college.  However, my mom especially, lacks in the talking to her kids with life issues.  I will never forget the day our uncle asked us if my mom sat us down to speak about the situation regarding my parents–we said no.

I realized it was bad parenting as a teenager, but did not know it impacted me until an adult.  I was angry with my mom and it was an everyday struggle to even get along with her until I went away for college.

With recent events… I realized I should’ve gotten help long ago.

Has anyone ever dealt with parents who were great but”failed at a topic”?

With Much Love,

Molly.

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It’s a Doggy Dog World

I start to think back when my anger started happening in grad school.  I hated my classmates, the school and the only person I could trust was my then boyfriend (who was also my classmate).  I had no idea about others grades, I was in school for myself and becoming a doctor.  My then boyfriend at the time, I must say is one of the brightest people I know (later gets into the Honor Society) and I manage to keep a 3.0 GPA. Anyways, during final exam week of our first semester, my boyfriend and I were dating for about a month.  We both sat in front of the professor to take the exam (only seats left when we walked in).  We later get an email that week by the professor with a student, lets name her Veronica, complained of us cheating (we found out through the great gossip of girls).  I ignored this and didn’t pay mind to it, because we didn’t cheat.  Spring semester rolls around, so much drama with this professor who later gets let go.  New professor, a quiz comes up, the next day, BAM! Email to come into the dean’s office.  Same story, different semester.  Mind you, we sat in completely different areas for exams, to avoid any accusations.  Till this day we believe since there was new administration doing work, the person thought we could get kicked out.

I start to feel so much anger towards my class, because who would be so willing to want us to get kicked out of a program.  We didn’t talk to many people and stayed within our circle.  We had suspicion who we thought it was (ended up being close).  We spoke to a friend, lets call him Howard, about the situation if he had heard who it was (since we heard people were talking about it) and he said no.  This kid was mister “Class Rep”, nice to everyone, cared so much about the people, and considered us good friends.  My boyfriend ended up setting the administration straight and since then nothing has come up.

Now flash forward to summer semester.  We discovered who it was, through a phone call who happens to be someone who dropped out of the program.  I’ll call him Paul.  Paul told us it was Howard. Our faces were filled with anger but not surprised since Howard started to gravitate away from us.

How this relates to my situation today.  I never approached it.  Did not bother because it would just be denials. (Also due to a sticky situation ).  It hurt me inside, someone who called us a friend, who reached out to us for things, and pretended to be mister nice guy, who everyone liked.  He actually egged on the idea who we thought it was and bragged about it to his then roommates that we didn’t suspect him. The guys we suspected are his friends (how great of a person is he?).  It infuriated me even more.  I started to dislike the people he hung out with and can only imagine the false accusations he kept starting (or the crap he spoke about us).

I didn’t trust people in our class.  It bothered me the fact that someone tried to get me kicked out of a program that I worked so hard to earn.  I would cry and get depressed all the time.  My boyfriend would try to make me feel better (he is just one of those people, that doesn’t let others get to him).  He would say it was jealousy,  I saw it as someone who was trying to ruin my life.  I never had someone who I considered a friend or a classmate try to damage to me.  I was angry at the situation and angry I couldn’t do anything about it. This is a health field program, not a business or a law school where we were trying to earn spots in top firms.  We want to help others and work in a community–or so my past naive personality thought.  He ended up forming the “popular kids”–who I like to call the “You Can’t Sit With Us” group.

I learned competitiveness is an ugly trait.  I started to find trust in a few people in our class due to the fact they have showed nothing but respect and trust.  Thank God good people still exist in a world where people will run you over with pleasure.

With much love,

Molly.